13 Reasons Why...

Inspired by the huge phenomenom 13 Reasons Why has become, I have decided to write 13 reasons why we should all read more. After all, the hit TV series was created from a book itself. 

Recently I have decided to start reading more. I think reading is such a wonderful way to learn new things, improve your vocabulary and awaken your inner self. I've always loved escaping to new worlds through a book, ever since I was young. Yes, it may not be particularly cool or exciting; but reading can bring so many positives that other activities lack. Here are the top 13 reasons I  want to read more:

1. Relaxation - The number one thing I need to do more in life is relax. I am constantly stressed for pretty much no reason ( which brings me on to number  2) and reading can be very relaxing when you have a light hearted book. 
2. Stops overthinking - Overthinking will be the downfall of me. When I read, I can escape this world and travel to another place. It gives me something to focus on. 
3. Increases empathy- I think one of the main reasons I developed such strong empathy skills as a child, was because I read. I would often read first person stories, and focusing on the story of a character and not so much on yourself can really broaden your outlook on other people. It teaches you that other people have problems, thoughts, feelings and tricky situations too. 
4. Escapism- a huge reason I used to love reading, is because you can often immerse yourself into different countries, realms, worlds and even universes. This is a great escape when your own life is maybe not in the best of places.
5. Improves literacy skills- for me, reading helps improve my writing significantly. By reading a book you are interested in, you subconsciously pick things up such as how to spell certain words, grammar, how to structure sentences and how to write stories. 
6. Broadens the vocabulary- as with the above, you can really widen your vocabulary from seeing words you may not see or hear otherwise. If I don't know the definition of a word when I read it in a book, I'll either pause and look it up or I will try and figure it out myself from the context. In return, I tend to remember that word's definition and it is then part of my vocabulary.
7. Distracts from social media- in the place of reading at night before I go to bed, like I did as a child... I now check my phone, watch youtube or spend hours scrolling through social media. Social media isn't always the most positive or productive trap to fall down and it tends to be quite addictive. Before I know it, I've often lost track of time and spent 3/4 hours on social media or the interent, doing useless things. Reading distracts from this and is far more positive. 
8. Improves imagination- imagination is undoubtedly improved through reading fantastic stories. 
9. Ahead of the game/Avoiding spoilers- often the most popular tv shows/movies have come from books. If you read , you will be ahead of the game when it comes to new great stories and wont need to worry about spoilers of the tv show as you'll already know the outcome. Which in someways defeats the point of this argument haha. 
10. Inspires- If not the most important thing on this list, inspiration is one of the best things you can get from reading. Whether you are inspired to do something from reading a book, inspired by a character, inspired to write your own fiction or just inspired to read more... inspiration is an often underrated quality. 
11. Finding a role model- similar to the above, books can provide great characters that can teach us important life lessons. Some of my all-time role models have come from characters in books. Characters like Hermione, Katniss, Tris Prior and many more have all come from books and inspired countless girls.
12. Timeless- a good book will always be timeless- just look at the bible! Stories can live on generation after generation and you can look back on history when you read older books.
13. The possibilities are endless- as with anything that uses imagination, the possibilites in fiction are completely endless. Anything can happen and that is extremely exciting. 

So there you have it. I am excited to start reading again. I will probably start relatively lightly and start with something I know I will finish and enjoy. The first book I am going to read is called "The Doomspell" by Cliff Mcnish and it is a book I actually read when I was in primary school. I remember being extremely inspired by it and it has always stuck out in my mind as my favourite book which says a lot. I'll probably only read a couple of chapters a night but I want to at least read 3/4 times a week. 

Neverland At Night. 

You are enough

Have you ever felt like you just weren't enough? No matter what you did, it just wasn't enough?

I met Blake a couple of years ago. We didn't meet in the best of circumstances but he was lovely at the time. He was the sort of person I had an instant connection with , but only as a friend... or so I thought.

Years passed and incidents took place, leading us to this very day. I don't know how or when specifically everything changed, although looking back I could probably pinpoint it if I tried. But something changed. Something happened that I couldn't explain. 

I had never met someone that made me feel inferior. I had always been "the one with the good advice" . I had always been the girl with the answers. The past couples years taught me a lot about self respect and self worth and I had been through a lot of situations with quite a few different people. They were the years that made me who I truly am and shaped me into the person I am now. They taught me what I wanted to be and what I didn't (even though I'm still working on myself and trying to cut out the bad things). I did a lot of soul searching very unintentionally and I realize through watching other people's mistakes, what I didn't and didn't want from a relationship of my own. I was on top of the world when I first met Blake.  I was confident, I was in control and I was content with being alone. He took me on a rollercoaster and slowly twisted my mind into self doubt. With his carefully placed words and wise ways of manipulation, he led me to the point I'm at today; feeling worthless, unwanted and inferior. 

Abusive people do this kind of thing. Abusive people want to isolate you. They want to make you feel like you are wrong, even when you know very well that you're right. I always thought that I would spot the signs of an abusive person and that I would never be in a relationship with someone like that.  I didn't really understand how people could be so naive when it came to seeing someone's true intentions. One thing I have always been great at is reading people. I've always been perceptive and I've always been very clued up on behaviour and the reasons behind it. I always thought I would be able to see the signs if someone I liked and ended up getting involved with  was an abuser (which I did the minute he showed me ) and I always promised I would walk away. But something with Blake was different , something he did to me made it impossible to walk away. 

With a process of building me up and breaking me down, Blake got into my head. The one space that is reserved for me and me only. I am part to blame as I wanted him to do this to me. One of my next posts will be "Why Misery Is My Greatest Drug" and that should explain more, but basically I have a constant need for misery. I'm not truly happy in life without some misery in it. It's messed up and I think it goes back to self worth. But something in Blake made me want to put up with him. He was the greatest addiction that I knew I had to get away from , but just couldn't bring to do so. 

I tried to get away from him. I have blocked him more times that I can count and each time, I unblocked him and went back. He didn't even need to say or do anything for me to run back. There was just a constant longing and craving for him when he was gone. I was addicted to him. 

The one thing he would do the most is make me feel wanted. He's the typical bad boy with a "misunderstood" and "damaged" attitude. Some people hate him and warn me away , while others say he's not the dark, twisted guy he makes out he is. I always saw the good in him, granted I also saw the bad. The good was so far buried that I wanted to be the one to bring it out of him. I guess I wanted to be special .I guess I wanted to mean something to a man who had been with so many women before me. I wanted to be the one. 

But I was never going to be the one. I was never going to be enough .I was always going to be inferior . I was always going to second best to his ex wife, he is so clearly still hung up on. I'm still in contact with Blake, in fact we spoke today. We live in a constant cycle of using each other for sex and then ignoring each other. I will not lie, I am not an angel. I am just as bad as he is, if not worse in some ways. He told me that he's been with so many crazy women in his life that he doesn't want to get involved with another nutcase. And to be fair, I haven't always painted him the best picture. But he has carefully and cunningly twisted things on me to pity him. He would use me and then ignore me for a week and then when I confronted him for using and ignoring me, he would turn it into an argument and then try and make me feel like I was in the wrong. His ego is so big that he genuinely believes he is right. All we do is argue when we're not together, but those special nights we spend together when we're both drunk and in bed together are magical. It's an escape. He is the escape. 

He never knew what he wanted and neither did I. I didn't want to push him, I just wanted to be enough for him but how can I be enough when he doesn't even know what he wants or who he is. 

Everyone tells me to stay away from him and I think that is the way I need to go for my own good. It's easier said than done. But I am enough. You are enough. 

If anyone tells you that you're not enough, or makes you feel like you are not good enough for them, then you are better off without them.

Sometimes you have to see your own worth before anyone else can possibly begin to see it. And I am someone that knows my worth. I know what I bring to the table and I know what I want bought to the table. My life is right in front of me, ready to be lived and explored and ready to be a great life. Whilst Blake's is the same old shit day in, day out going round and round in a circle. You can't "fix" someone else if you haven't even "fixed" yourself. 

To anyone reading this, take a chance on yourself. Talk to that person you want to talk to. Apply for that job you want to apply for. Become that person you want to be. Because you are worth it and you are enough.

Neverlandatnight.